What We Know About the Homo Horologis

The Back Story of the Rarely Discussed WIS Species: What We Know about the Homo Horologis

Studied for years by both award-winning Ivy-league scientists and Warby Parker-wearing watch forum moderators, the Homo Horologis species remains a mystery, still, to those outside of the horological community and Reddit (where many homo horologis find what they deem to be worthy entertainment in the form of watch-related memes and GIFs). Over time, however, the species – homo sapien-like in facial features (with the addition of nicely manicured beards) yet quite different in neck and arm shape – developed certain personality traits vastly differentiating them from their Homo Sapien kin. Homo Horologis are, for lack of a better term, challenging, yet science has determined there is valid reasoning behind their impatient nature. 

History of the Human Evolution

If we delve into the history of the earliest known human-like species – the Australopithecus – we can see they roamed the earth approximately between 3.85 and 2.95 million years according to paleoanthropologists who were responsible for uncovering the remains of some three hundred specimen. Knowing that the earliest timekeeping device – the sundial – did not exist until the homo sapien era (roughly 3500 B.C.), we then also know that the Australopithecus (along with their brothers, the Homo Habilis, Homo Erectus, and Homo Neanderthalensis) were likely not the most punctual of dinner guests. But once Homo Sapiens realized time could be worn on a wrist (somewhere around 1868 A.D. according to legend), a new species, over years, began to take shape.

Beginnings of a New Species; The Homo Horologis

The Homo Horologis has evolved over the last one-hundred-and-fifty-three years, but the species, unlike those that developed before it, does not have a specific origin in terms of the continent from which they came. It is neither tied to a land nor even a single gender (though, there are far more male versions of the species). The species, however, does seem to respond positively to Instagram images of mechanical timepieces; many of which function as endorphins, leading to an excited behavior and – as much as they’d likely not admit to it – a feeling of “happiness” amongst the HH.

From a physical standpoint, the Homo Horologis can be easily identified by a number of characteristics. For one, the backs of their necks, just below the base of the skull, are humped due to them staring down at their wristwatches – and then over time, staring at their handheld devices showing them other wristwatches they could own (thanks, Watchbox!) – and not raising their heads enough to take in their surroundings, the faces of their family members, or, that much needed package of pasta at the grocery store that happened to be placed on a higher shelf.

Their wrists, mostly left side but occasionally right (and often pale, thin, and hairless), do don highly mechanical timepieces unlike the wrist of the average Homo Sapien which today is flanked by either a smart watch, or a rubber bracelet associated with their mantra, and they like it that way, as that allows them to find other Homo Horologis. 

What they have mastered over the years, however, is their ability to be absolutely dogmatic as it pertains to expressing their well-researched and educated opinions when up against the horological thoughts of other species that came along prior. THIS… this is the hallmark of the Homo Horologis. You might think it’s their Loro Piana shoes or their pricey moustache wax or the number of Tik Tok viewers they had on that big brand name unboxing they did four months ago, but alas, at the end of the day, the species relies on the fact that they can endlessly and intelligently debate the need for independent watchmakers while also opening their minds to the positivity that microbrands bring to the collector’s table.

In other words, they are here to stay, they are not going away, and they love wearing Greubel Forsey.

Find out more about our satirical approach on the watch industry by reading our Grinding Gears segment here.